Babbling About Bipolar

A Person who has Bipolar 1

                There’s a war inside my head. Sometimes I wish that I was dead. I’m broken. Yikes, Bebe Rhexa! Intense words to start out for a song. But sometimes, I can relate to that part of the lyric. After all-she does have Bipolar 2, and I have Bipolar 1. Her song I’m Gonna Show You Crazy is pretty good at encapsulating the stigma that comes with being “crazy”, but also realizing that there’s nothing wrong with you as a person. While the song is riddled with salty language and derogatory words that are used in association towards the mentally ill, the song couldn’t be purer in its intent and message. Kind of like me and my personality! I’m of pure intentions but no doubt come with a potty mouth. And my mind can sometimes be filthy, but my soul is clean!

                 So how would I describe having Bipolar 1? I can’t speak for anyone but myself, and while there are some hidden gems I’d be lying if I didn’t tell the honest, brutal parts about it. Sanitizing the truth would be a disservice. So, I’ll start with some frustrations. If I had to describe the most frustrating parts about having Bipolar 1, it would be the proneness to self-destruction. Being bipolar can mean that I am my own biggest enemy. That sounds trite, but it’s true. The self-harm, the disordered and controlled eating, the binge drinking, impulsive shopping, they’re all part of it. But the scariest part? It’s not even the mania, which is what can get a person into the most trouble physically or legally. It’s the isolation. Not to be confused with solitude. Utter isolation. An island with myself, just a sad sack of lunacy!

                If you’re wondering if I was involved in the theatre and dramatization of any kind…you’re correct. BUT! I was also a cheerleader and on the dance team in high school. Don’t pre-judge me. We are fully fleshed human meat sacks just like everyone else, which means that we will have our own interests and quirks that are separate from our other bipolar counterparts. My point is that while people with bipolar tend to be very passionate about, well, everything, and we have shifts in our energy and moods, it’s not all doom and gloom. And we’re not all doom and gloom! But there may be an episodic sh*tstorm coming our way 2 times a year, give or take, no pun intended. And that will also depend on the person. Some people can have what’s called rapid cycling, and no-it’s not a stationary bike cycling membership, but I’d assume it’s just as intense and awful.

                But back to the lows. The reason why the depression part of bipolar is so scary is because it really is like a tidal wave and being out in the ocean. You don’t always know how rough it will be, how long it will last, and if you start to sink, you don’t know how long you will be down there and you hope you don’t drown because if you do…

                AHHH! No-I don’t want to talk about that or think about that. Who would want to? And who would want to listen to someone talking like that? That’s how it feels at least. It’s not fun dinner talk, obviously. But when I’m in the lows, it’s almost impossible for my mind not to go there. I know I don’t ultimately want to, and I have several reasons to live, the most important being my children. But none of the reasons to live take away the ideation of not living…

How Society Has Hindered Us…But Also How It Can Help

                And if that was too real, sorry not sorry, because I’m about to get even more real. Our society does not make living with that feeling or this disorder any easier. Sure, there is more awareness and better education, and for that I’m very thankful. But we still have a long way to go, particularly with how society and our healthcare systems view mental illnesses. As a whole, we still do not see mental illness as on par with general health concerns as others and we are not given the support we need to adequately manage our mental health conditions. Medications that could greatly help people are not always affordable. Insurance companies only help cover the first 3 sessions of therapy, if at all, and then after that comes the huge copay. And when you have a mental health disorder, especially certain types like mine, it can be difficult to have consistent and gainful employment, which means that you may not always get coverage through work. The disparity of coverage and access to care between Axis 1 and Axis 2 disorders is, in my opinion, also counterproductive and ineffective, and the list goes on. A therapist suggested that I try out this new treatment that is like ECT (electroshock therapy), where you go in everyday for SIX WEEKS. Huh?? Who has the time or money for that?? I’ll digress, for now, but when you hear that part of Bebe’s song saying, “And I don’t need your quick fix. I don’t want your prescriptions.”, it shouldn’t come as a surprise when sometimes people get frustrated with the systems put in place or the trial and error of trying medications for their symptoms. While I’m not advocating for people not taking medications, I think it’s important for us to remember that they are meant to be an aid and not a crutch.

The way I see it: the world has become very polarized, and we still need to work on general respect for humanity and the differences of others. Too many times I’ve seen others minimize other people’s thoughts, perspectives and experiences. Too many times people have been told to toughen up, otherwise they’re a “snowflake”. Too many people still think that it’s unbecoming to talk about mental illness and seeing a therapist. But why? Just because something is not a physical or emotional trigger to one person doesn’t mean it won’t be for someone else, and that doesn’t make that person any less strong for being sensitive to it. There could be a story there that you don’t know about. Why should we “toughen up”? I suppose in some situations and in some contexts, yes, toughening up is necessary for growth. But I usually have found that the context in which this is used is during times of apathy, not resilience. It’s not coming from a place of strength, or stoicism. It’s coming from a place of arrested development of the human emotion and emotional intelligence. It’s coming from fear and avoidance. And lastly…why do too many of us still find talking about mental illness inappropriate or couth? Is talking about needing a checkup for our eyes or teeth shameful? Of course not! So, neither should be checkups for the mind.

I need for our society to view mental health maintenance as being just as vital as physical health and financial health. Like Whitney, I believe that children are the future (unlike Whitney, I do not have her pipes!). As a parent and an adult, I feel a responsibility to advocate for making this world a better and safer place for my kids and youth in general. I’m sure others who have sought mental health treatment and a diagnosis can relate to how it is not an easy road to get down, albeit worth it.  I am so grateful and impressed with a lot of today’s youth and how involved they are in educating themselves on mental health. Despite the lack of respect and constant ways we have failed them regarding their educational welfare, I truly believe that a lot of young people are just trying to make sense of this world, just like we did. Everyone is bombarded with ads, indoctrination, and trending internet content, often though the lens of social media. But these kids were born into it. They don’t know anything else. They’ve been bombarded from the beginning, regardless of parental protection and attempts to censor what they have consumed. The fact is that these younger generations are no different in how their brains are like sponges. All the quintessential crises, human experiences, and feelings that we’ve gone through in other generations, they go through as well. But now technology has become another catalyst for their mental well-being or mental suffering. And sometimes I think we forget about how powerful the technological revolution has been, and we need to give them more credit and grace. I personally also think that our education system needs to change our approach in how we are educating. We are far too concerned with meeting outside standards than meeting the students where they are at, educationally and emotionally. We need to be less consumed with test scores and more concerned about their educational futures and comprehension so that they can truly progress in life. Many haven’t been taught how to think, or even what to think. They have been conditioned to take tests and memorize. We are lowkey treating our students like data entry machines instead of actual people with individual strengths and weaknesses.

When I worked directly with students, so many of them came from hard lives. They would tell me the things they were going through both at school and at home, and the common themes were about feeling alone and misunderstood. I know that this will also be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s important for me to point this out: many mental health disorders have an onset starting in the teen years. Another fact? The second leading cause for death in teens is by suicide, with it being the number one leading cause for college students. These correlations are not a coincidence, and in my opinion are a clear message that our society needs to be better in showing up for our young people. We as adults need to make sure that we are giving the younger generations the proper tools to cope with their struggles, and we can’t do that if we ourselves aren’t doing the work that we should be doing on ourselves. I’m aware that talking about mental illnesses, trauma, or suicide can be wildly uncomfortable. But it’s better for us all to deal with being a little uncomfortable than it is for even one to suffer alone and die unnecessarily.

Self-Care

I’ve wanted to serve more and advocate more for students. But you can’t light yourself on fire to keep other people warm. This is a phrase I’ve heard and live by now to keep from burnout. So, I had to make the hard decision to leave student-facing assistance. I had to leave my job where I was directly with students because I had to take care of myself and my children. And that pains me. It pains me that I have a mood disorder that consumes certain parts of my life. People with bipolar, or with any other mood disorder I’m sure, do not want to be lethargic, sporadic, or inconsistent. If you think it’s exhausting to be around, just imagine what it’s like to have it. A friend of mine used to work in a shelter and told me how she was experiencing the same type of emotional burnout that I was. And she mentioned how one of her shelter clients was talking about the burdens of being a domestic violence or sexual assault victim living in a new environment, still having to deal with the aftermath of their circumstances. She said that even if you knew what she was going through and were sympathetic and were trying to help, there was something my friend needed to understand: at some point, she got to go home. She got to leave and take this part of her work home with her. But she would still be there, in her present circumstances, in her current temporary home. She didn’t get to just leave, the way my friend could, because her safety would be at risk. People who have mental illnesses and disorders never get to leave their lives or their brains. Just something to think about.

Ultimately, however, it is the person’s responsibility to practice self-care and do what they need to do to manage their life. I do this by continuing to take my medication, going to therapy whenever possible, and doing things that are good for my health. I have an amazing girl quad who truly loves and supports and uplifts me. They remind me of all the good things in life and what makes it worth living. And they remind me that if and when there’s a war inside my head, and there’s been times that I have wished I was dead, I am NOT broken.

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