Where’s my Support Group?

The Plight of a Parent with a Suicidal Teen

I am no stranger to suicidal ideation. I wish I was. I have been on suicide watch three times in my life. There’s this song I used to listen to repeatedly by Olivia O’Brian called Empty. The last part of the chorus says, “I don’t want to live, but I’m too scared to die”, which perfectly encapsulates the feeling of being suicidal. At least that’s how it felt for me.

I wasn’t a teenager when these feelings emerged. But my parents did know when it happened, and they did visit me when I was in treatment. I can’t imagine the feelings they had watching me be in that dark place. Helpless. Scared. Heartbroken. We didn’t talk about why I was there or what was making me feel suicidal. We just didn’t talk like that. So, for now, I don’t know what my parents thought, felt, or wanted to do, because they haven’t talked about how they felt, and I don’t want to push them.

This parent also knows what it’s like to have a suicidal child and not know how to navigate this devastating topic. And without too many details, out of respect for the privacy of the parent and child, here is the simulated recollection of the parent’s experience.

“Help me help you”. We hear and say that phrase a lot regarding asking for support. “Help me help you” is the common phrase used to help facilitate effective communication. But what happens when both parties need the kind of help that the other one can’t help them with? What if you know you need help, but you don’t know what kind of help? How are you supposed to ask and advocate for it?

Her ideations didn’t start in a vacuum. As far as the “nurture” element goes, she was unfortunately exposed to abuse that she witnessed happening to me. Once she became aware of this, she started becoming more withdrawn and reserved. Who could blame her? When she found out we were divorcing, it got worse. Not just her withdrawal, but the abuse, only this time it was being taken out on her. I didn’t have full custody at the time, and I wasn’t aware that this was happening, but when I did, I confronted my ex. This was all too much for my child, because that’s when she spiraled out of control and…

I’m not going to break down that part. Not only is it too painful, but I want to be sensitive to what my child has been through. What we’ve been through. But you know what else is the hardest part of all this is? Not knowing how to move forward from the aftermath. What is the best way that I can support my own flesh and blood, who thought, even for just one moment, that dying was the best solution? What am I supposed to say to her that’s going to help and not trigger her, when I’ve also been reeling about it? Where are the designated support groups for us??

That is one of my biggest societal frustrations right now. There’s a lot to say about when you lose a loved one to suicide, but not enough about what you can do when you still have them during ideations or after attempts. And it’s not that. This isn’t just an isolated mental health problem. Allow me to elaborate…

When the pandemic hit, where were the students? They were at home, doing remote school. And whether they enjoyed the flexibility of it or not, it still resulted in something: social isolation. For some, school was an outlet. It’s not just an educational institution but a vehicle for human connections. And messing with that during prime developmental years? I’m not done…

THEN when the pandemic was over and everyone was expected to return to work and school as usual, as if they hadn’t been isolated for weeks and months at a time. Like they hadn’t had to adapt to certain social norms. Like they hadn’t possibly lost loved ones due to the pandemic. Just function and go back to “normal”.

I’m sorry, but for families that have several factors that they must deal with, such as poverty, a person with a disability, a person going through a divorce, someone being abused, or any of the other very common adversities, abrupt transitions back into society are not realistic. Or trauma informed, or person centered.

I am trying my best to support my daughter and keep her in school. But she was given no grace period after coming back from her facility treatment. She’s missed school so much that it’s become a truancy issue, which can become a legal issue. I JUST got (full) custody of my kids. I am with an amazing person and in a healthy marriage now. But because of legal/law logistics, my abusive ex may have grounds to take them back.

But what am I supposed to say to my daughter?? “Stop having depressive, suicidal meltdowns and just learn some algebra equations so the truancy office and CPS will get off my back”? “Show your face in class, or I’ll have to show my face in court”? “Hit the books, or you could be going to other parent who hit you”?? Sure, let me just threaten her into thriving…come on now.

My point is, this is a systemic problem, and it needs a systemic solution. There should be mental health days in place for students. How many of them, I’m not sure, but appropriate enough to where parents and students don’t have to worry about the burden of legal consequences on top of what they are already dealing with. There should be policy changes and government reform to address these issues.

Lastly, there should be more peer-reviewed research on the matter. Important matters become validated and more widespread when there are studies dedicated to the inquisition of something. And what could be more important than keeping our loved ones from making permanent decisions based on temporary situations? We ultimately have to all ask other how can we help each other. Help me help you.