Not a Disney Dad

A Person Who’s a Single “Girl Dad”

I was recently watching a YouTube video as I was getting ready for work. This is a part of my morning routine-either watching stimulating YouTube videos or listening to podcasts. This one particular content creator (Priscilla Boye) uploaded an episode titled “People React to His Viral Response To Why Some Baby Dads Pick And Choose Which Kids To Raise”. The man in the video went on to explain that he believed that “once you break it off with the mom, you break it off with the kid”. He went on to say that it was also perfectly acceptable to treat the other kids better than the kids of a previous relationship. He claimed that it was all about “perspective”.

I’m not a parent…but this is a TERRIBLE “perspective”. Here’s my perspective: children did not ask to be here. The relationship that you have with the mom/father has nothing to do with the kid. And kids should never be used as pawns, leverage, or collateral in a relationship or a marriage. Lastly, the love you feel and show for your child should never be dependent on whether you love someone else.

Lance does not have the mentality that aforementioned man. When the romantic relationship with his daughter’s mom ended, the relationship with his daughter did not. He doesn’t accept a participation trophy for parenting, either, or expect brownie points for being a loving and involved single father. Lance is far from a “Disney Dad”. He strives to be a good role model and example for his daughter, Lana, and guide and raise her to be a happy, healthy, sentient being!

Single Fatherhood

It’s not all about me anymore. I can’t just go out and do whatever I want, whenever I want anymore. My schedule consists of soccer games and dance lessons. There’s hair ties and nail polish everywhere!  Thank God for YouTube. Without it, Lana’s hair might constantly look executed. She’s wild enough. She doesn’t need to look like it, too!

I recently heard about something called a “Disney Dad”. Apparently, it’s an urban dictionary term for dads. At first, I genuinely thought it had something to do with the fact that a lot of the Disney princesses only had their dads, if at all. I took the term at face value and assumed it just meant single father of a daughter, like many of those movies. But it’s not. The full meaning of a Disney Dad is this: “a noncustodial parent who focuses on fun and gifts during visitation time, while leaving discipline to the other parent”. I guess it can technically be applied to some mothers as well. Wouldn’t have the same ring to it. Maybe Minnie Mouse Mom? The point is, it’s the parent who isn’t as present and doesn’t have the core responsibilities of what it takes to be a full-time parent.

I am fully aware that there are way more full-time single mothers than there are full-time fathers, which doesn’t seem right. And while I am proud to be a parent, I don’t think I should get special recognition for being a full-time single dad. It’s not okay that there are so many men who straight up abandon the kids they helped create. Or only show up as the “Disney Dads”, to take their kid(s) out for fun or when it’s convenient for them. That’s not what a true adult does when they have a kid they love. A real man does not expect the mother to take all the responsibilities of taking care of their child or children. It takes two to tango, right? I was part of making this little monster. It’s my job and privilege to raise her and guide her.

It Takes a Village, But Don’t Use Them as a Crutch

I’m very blessed that I have a support system. My parents, Lana’s mom’s parents, among others. But I look for them for guidance-not for drop offs. It wouldn’t be fair to my girl or my family to have other people look after, parent her, or nurture her. Yes, she goes to see them to visit them and so that I have time to decompress or run errands. But best believe I do my best to be present. And not just physically present. Too many people think that just because you’re “there”, that counts. Nah. You have to be mentally present. Except when Mother Nature come’s knocking. I won’t be present at all! I’m just going to toss her ice cream and run away. Just kidding. Ughhh Lord have mercy..

 Kids won’t always remember specific events and what was said in your times spent together, but they will remember you being there and how you made them feel in their presence. I want to make sure that I’m doing my best to be mentally and emotionally present for my daughter. Because you don’t get that time back. Sure, you can always try to make up for lost time or redeem yourself. But that’s just not the same. You’re here now. Your kid is not going to be 6, 7, or 8 again. And Lana is getting to that age where she’s not going to want me to walk her to school and I’m mentally preparing myself for it because I know how much that’s going to suck. So, no-I don’t want to overly rely on my family members when it comes to Lana. What if I miss something? That being said, it is okay to ask for help. Self-sufficiency is important, but it should never come at the expense of what would be best for the kid(s) and your mental health.

Progress over Perfection

No parent is ever perfect. No parent ever will be. But we can always strive for progression. More than anything, I want my baby to be safe AND feel safe and loved. Sometimes I’ve forgotten to give her a hug or tell her I love her, which I hate, because I never want her to feel like I don’t. But when she comes home tired and I ask her what’s wrong and she said, “I’m just glad to be home”? I feel a sense of pride and relief, because it means that even when I mess up, she feels at home, safe. The world is crazy, and we can’t always protect them from it because we can’t always be there to shelter them. What we can do is provide them with love, safety, appropriate discipline and guidance. And how they view the world? We as parents have a lot of power over that, so this shouldn’t be taken lightly. We can either tell or model for our kids that the world is always a scary, terrible place. Or we can show them the amazing and beautiful things this world has to offer despite some of the atrocities that occur. As Lana’s dad, I want to protect her, but not cage her from the world. So, when I’m not out there with her in the world, or when she comes home to talk to me about her first heart break over a boy and I want to murder him, I will do my best to shield her from the harshness while also empowering her to step into her own as a person who is capable of being her own strong individual. But regardless of what happens, I’ll be there.