Building on Myself After Being Betrayed

And How Healing isn’t Always a Straight Path

Everyone prioritizes different values. For me, I believe that in all relationships, trust is the most important and the most valuable in currency. When it comes to friendships, this means more to me than how much fun we have in each other’s company. With family, I value trust over emotional and/or financial support. And in romantic relationships, trust will always trump love and attraction. Because I believe that trust is the universal foundation for love. Without it, all other attributes are faulty.

Trust is hard to gain…and to give. And trust is too easy to lose. Maybe this is why it is so valuable for me and so many others. I believe that trust and consideration are the highest forms of love we have to offer one another. So, when you have it, cherish and appreciate it. And when you lose it, mourn and work to get it back. And if you’ve given your trust and you were betrayed terribly, especially by one that you held so dear to your heart? Be kind and love yourself through it and know that there will be healing from the hurt.

Raydean is, and she is one of the most respectable and strong women I’ve ever had the honor of getting to know. From going through what she considered to be the ultimate betrayal in her marriage to navigating divorce and co-parenting, Raydean refused to crumble in the face of her adversities. She realized that while others may have compromised her trust, there was one person she knew for sure that she should always put her faith in: herself.

The Ultimate Betrayal in my Marriage

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend”. But what if you want to forgive the one you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with? I’ve been with this man eleven years, been married to him for six of those.

There’s so much to think about. So much to process. I heard the news while I was away on a work trip. I officially received confirmation of the deceit from my husband during a work break. My natural instincts were to lay into him and end it right there. But I am in HR. I am the face of the company. I can’t lose control right now. I am a mother. I am a professional. People need me. I can’t just say what I want to say. He has our kids. He is distraught, and I have to think about them. It’s better to table this for now…

This feeling is hard to explain. The emotions are there, but I must keep them at bay for now. I know that my feelings are valid, and this must be addressed, but I need to compartmentalize. Because if I don’t, how do I show up at work? How do I show for my kids’ birthday party coming up? So, I keep it “together” until we have time alone to really unpack what happened the week before.

I didn’t have the heart to tell my parents at first. It was so nerve wracking, because I’m so close to them. I’m their only baby. I tell them everything. But eventually I do. And despite the small-town Catholic upbringing that frowns upon divorce, they ultimately supported me. I did, however, feel like I needed to reach within and find some inner strength during this devastating time. I found comfort in my own company, at the beach, and in music.

Healing can Hurt before it Helps

I have been making strides towards my healing journey and trying my best to show up for my kids. But I do still feel embarrassment and resentment and shame. Whether from my upbringing, personality type, or what I know from psychology, I do know this much about me: I do not like to fail. I don’t like to give up on anything. I don’t like to give up on my relationships, especially my marriage. One of the hardest parts of dealing with betrayal and navigating through our family transition is not just having to do with being betrayed. It has been dealing with the grieving for the family that I thought I would have. Mom guilt is real. I never thought I would have to prepare myself for sharing time with them. I didn’t picture my spouse ever becoming my ex and there being other potential partners that could possibly be in my children’s lives. It’s odd to think about currently dating anyone and introducing anyone to my kids. Due to what’s happened, it will take at least a year before my kids meet a person I am seeing, because I need to know that they are committed.

As for now, though, I think I’m good on dating. I tried in the marriage during the betrayal to make it work. But in the end, I chose separation because the trust was gone, and I wanted to show my kids that lack of trust and respect should not be normalized. I wanted them to their parents happy and healthy with their parents, and to be grossed out about being “kissy kissy” together dancing in the kitchen. I didn’t want them to see their mom and dad resent each other and argue with each other, constantly bickering with each other.

Our kids see more than they say. Maybe our kids don’t know anything now and maybe the boys didn’t pick up on any of the dynamics between their father and me. And if so, that’s a good thing. I think we both want to shield them from the tribulations of our adult relationship with each other, as that has nothing to do with our children. They are something that I will never resent or regret from being with my husband. But as wonderful as they all three of our children are, it would be unfair to me and to them to stay in a situation that wasn’t authentic and conducive to living in happiness.

I have learned that while it is helpful to have a partner in parenthood, you don’t necessarily have to stay together to co-parent, especially when trust has been broken in the marriage. While he may have broken my trust, he hasn’t broken his commitment to the kids, and for that I am grateful and will not speak ill of him.

Moving Forward

I want the readers to know that just because I hold myself to a certain standard and feel a need to protect my ex-husband’s reputation, this doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes want to air out our dirty laundry. But ultimately, I am a person who has integrity and loyalty for my family, and it’s no one’s business but ours to know what happened.

While I knew that I could probably reach out to more people, I felt like it was best to seek out professional help and not tell too many people all the things that were going on. Maybe it goes back to trust. All I know is that people have good intentions, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be able to help you in the way that a therapist can. I have a background in psychology, so I’m an avid supporter of it, and sometimes the therapist needs therapy. It isn’t just for certain people with certain problems or conditions. It’s for everyone.

I honestly don’t know if I will ever fully heal from this betrayal trauma. The anniversary of our divorce is coming, so I’m just trying to take it day by day. And as hard as it can be sometimes, I try to give myself grace. I know that I made the right decision, and sometimes, making the right decision can still be painful. But that pain has also led to a path towards self-discovery and growth…so let’s see what more is down this path.